Joke Horoscopes

Capricorn

There are many obstacles in your path, luckily those sausage demons you recently encountered aren't one of them, there like, a totally different thing.

Aquarius

It might be faster to burn you sweater-vest collection, fake your death, reinvent yourself, get a full time job and buy a whole new set than trying to organize that pile of garbage.

Pisces

People aren't weirded out that you've made a profession out of petting their pets, it's that you dig up their carcasses first.

Aries

If you describe your stool as milk-like and slurpy you're probably going to be okay once somebody calls somebody who calls somebody to take you away.

Taurus

Most people on house arrest don't usually try to join the neighborhood watch but you

Gemini

Yes, your new life direction should be: super-awesome nymphomaniac / spiritual healer doctor person.

Cancer

Time Travelling to the old west to get your car washed in a trail of tears is culturally insensitive, but you should probably do it anyway.

Leo

You will find immense pleasure in stepping in people's way and crushing their dreams... all while sipping some beverage through a straw like that douchey character on that new TV show.

Virgo

Now is the time to start artificially inseminating your friends; you know, because they asked you to to prove a point or something. 

Libra

You will have many, many sweaty dreams.

Scorpio

You are one step closer to creating a death ray or death laser or death thing that makes people disintegrate. Really, this week should be spent finding the right, super-wicked name for the thing.

Sagittarius

Now is a good time to weed out old friends and shitty pets, your waste service management team will throw away anything you put in a garbage bag this week. 

(I sincerely apologize for the Cancer horoscope)

Read More

Horoscopes for the Week

Capricorn

The stars have aligned themselves into some graphic and horribly obscene constellations, you may not want to go outside at night.

Aquarius

It’s time to step out of the murky depths and creepy shadows and accept the accolades of being a “Front Stabber”

Pisces

Soon you may be in need of a mighty wizard, definitely make sure the wizard is mighty but also that the wizard is a  bartender giving away free drinks that will totally get you blasted.

Aries

You probably shouldn't refer to people as delicious sacks of meat

Taurus

You’ll probably be okay doing things with your boyfriend’s moose on a semi-regular basis, just remember to keep things casual at first.

Gemini

It’s time you got out of that crappy rectum testing facility and got a job at a more respectable dump.

Cancer

Looks like that blood ritual paid off, romance is in the air tonight

Leo

This week you may be the apple of someone’s eye just not the best parts

Virgo

A stranger will ask you to tell them a bunch of personal things, if you don’t tell them your astrology sign, they will say, “You Virgot to tell me” and run away screaming obscenities. Use this power wisely.

Libra

Everyone’s tired of hearing about that wicked awesome story about you being stuck under a dead bear and having to eat it from the face down and drink its blood to stay alive, for real.

Scorpio

If you start questioning everyone around you, eventually you’ll find out who your real father is.

Sagittarius

Stay away from burning buildings and other things you could set fire to.

Read More

Horoscopes

Capricorn

Now is a good time to rehearse your  naughty turkey sexy pilgrim sexual role-play fantasy. #getitright

Aquarius

You will find yourself around an inordinate amount of buttons that need pushing and levers that need pulling. Nevermind the consensual gasps of pleasure.

Pisces

You may find a new gingerbread husband.

Aries

Good news! There will be copious amounts of insane butt-touching in your future.

Taurus

Your transition from reckless hooligan to cool, reclusive hobo will end in several tragic deaths.

Gemini

Only you can prevent more cowbell.

Cancer

Now is a good a time as any to open a bakery near that newly refurbished ivy league clown college

Leo

More people should be talking about you.  They're obviously stupid and haven't figured it out yet. Purchase a billboard, slap them across the face, put a wet finger in their ear-hole, and let them know. Let them know.

Virgo

Two words for your winter "wow" style fashion: bikini briefs.

Libra

Normal people will bore you with their useless garbage-faces. It may be best to toss a match and back away slowly.

Scorpio

Your bosses still haven't caught on so go ahead and try taking that extra, massive 15 minute dump on the clock.

Sagittarius

The stars say "Your life is a huge, fucking mess" probably because you're not looking at enough cute animal photos.

Read More

Horoscopes Week

Capricorn

Early in the week Decepticons will hunt you down till the ends of the earth for your awesome stash of almost cube shaped energy bars. The rest of the week will be sunny with chances of super special double-rainbows.

Aquarius

You've been enjoying sliced bread for way too long, think of something original already.

Pisces

You will be inundated by the phrase "buttery leather" until you start eating people's jackets and fine upholstered car seats.  In short, now may be a good time to get off your current diet.

Aries

Give it up, you've figured them all out already, there are no new uses for rectal thermometers, .

Taurus

You could make a new living selling non-combustible fruit. Just saying, whatever you're doing now is just plain boring.

Gemini

Some time in the future what you did yesterday will mean something to the people of tomorrow, in the meantime don't panic and stop farting all over the place.

Cancer

Yes, good thinking, cutting off your arms and legs is one way to "roll with it".

Leo

Your relationship with beef will increase dramatically. You may want to cancel your appointments and stay at home by yourself this weekend.

Virgo

Your horoscope will be correct next week if you eat a garbage bag of shitty brownies.

Libra

Don't let positive thinking brighten your mood, a lot of wonderfully horrible things will soon reinforce your poopy-feeling "Debbie-Downer" nega-dome.

Scorpio

Auguste Rodin originally had the Thinker wearing one hella sexy sombrero; ponder this well.

Sagittarius

No matter how horrible you are, there are at least 3 celebrities worse than you. Trying to figure out who they are is the first step in becoming a better person.

Read More

horoscopes

Capricorn

Your sordid misfortunes last week may lead you to an abandoned warehouse full of magical ponies. Use this information wisely.

Aquarius

Your coworkers are beginning to suspect that you're boring based on what you eat for lunch, this may lead to social stigmas and eventual castration or damnable witch burning.  For the love of god, pack some tuna.

Pisces

Good news! Your investments in tarnished spoons will soon pay off, that is if you invested in tarnished spoons. You did, didn't you?

Aries

Aim higher, pretending to be a tongue in throat doctor will only get you so far in life.

Taurus

It might be a good idea to take the week off. Journalists are writing articles about your big fat head... they do this out of love but mostly out of pure and unfathomable hatred.

Gemini

You've become too dependent, stop being a stupid wimp and separate yourself from your Siamese twin.

Cancer

Anything anyone tells you this week is really code for "get naked & drop acid"

Leo

The stars suggest that everything's okay.  That mummified body that you found in the basement probably isn't going to stir up any trouble and eat your tasty, tasty, oh-so-very-tasty cat.

Virgo

Don’t go to ghoul, the things you wish to purchase will be very ghostly, and other such puns dealing with the undead things perhaps maybe.

Libra

Something good will happen while a whole bunch of bad things watch from afar vomiting in compact ziploc sandwich bags.

Scorpio

This is a good week to fake your own death and move into someone’s backyard and cook a live a chicken.

Sagittarius

Putting "orgy" on your agenda every day of the week may provoke illicit and bold outcomes.  Stick to your thoughts and if all else fails, think about hiring hobos (they'll do just about anything).

Read More

Horoscope

Capricorn

Your time has come, only you can make gunslinger a valid profession.

Aquarius

You probably have some shitty thing you have to go to. You will hate it. But… there’s a good chance you might have sex with a couch.

Pisces

Beware people wearing plaid shirts and fake mustaches.  They might have tasty, tasty candy.

Aries

Remember if something you don’t like isn’t on fire, it’s your fault.

Taurus

Metaphorically speaking, it’s time you took your pinky out of your dog’s asshole

Gemini

Mini-clowns are waiting to jump through your new hoop earrings.  However this goes, you brought this upon yourself.

Cancer

No one will buy your Ebola Bingo cards but you’ll have fun playing alone.

Leo

Your lust for love and life will leave most of your clothes thrown to the wind or shredded in the heat of passion. In other words: it’s a good time to go shopping

Virgo

Fortune smiles upon you, now is the time to iron out those varicose veins on your buttcheeks.

Libra

It’s a good idea to follow that envelope’s advice. Yes, please, “Return to Sender.”

Scorpio

Waiting to ask your favorite deli meat counter-boy or counter-girl for a close shave and 3 pounds of ham will serve you well.

Sagittarius

It is perfectly okay and highly preferable that you wear a low-cut man-dress for that fancy trip to Big Al’s Bowling Alley.

Read More

Horoscopes

Capricorn

Try some yoga or tai chi.  Anything to help you balance and refocus.  A lot of questions can be answered yes or no.  Give yourself time to realize mating soft and hard tacos is nonsensical and potentially hazardous.  Remember Capricorn, you are the future’s filthiest beggar. Grand schemes  toil in your sleep, wait for the ones that rob you of your sleep, and take you into sure-footed dreams.

Aquarius

Staple a package of reality to your forehead otherwise you’ll take any trip to lala-lala-lalalala-la land and regret one or two irreparable things this week.  Otherwise just let the world hang on your flow, you’ve got some swaggerin’ to get to.  Shimmy along the road to doin’ “okay” and “allllright.”  Nothing’s going to take your groove away.  If something goes slightly askew, change the universe with just a couple simple steps and whole lotta’ use of the word “dude.”

Pisces

This week you will finally get recognized for something. It will most likely be because of something you did or said or thought while something was happening to something or something else along similar lines.  Anyway, this week go overboard and “treat yo’self!” You did whatever it was you did and other people should recognize it.  Damnit.  A good way to do this is to spout mystical nonsense and read campy humor stories others can relate to because they’d like that and can be easily manipulated into thinking they’re superiorily smart enough to be dumbed down by their smartily smartness to recognize and follow you as one of the four  magical, super-genius, smarter-than-thou guru pals.

Aries

Your significant other may have a knife behind their back but don’t worry, it’s probably for someone you don’t even like, so that’s a bonus.  However good this might seem it could lead to “issues.” Remember the old adage, “Once a stabby, always a stabby.” Of course there’s always “A couple that plays together stays together” so… there are a lot of boring-talky or fun-stabby options in your future depending on what you want to do.

Taurus

You’ve tendered and cured your emotions into an insane bull full of wild anger and raging beef.  Congratulations, pushing away and neglecting what you could have dealt with has manifested itself and now is charging at you- all on red.  This is the universe getting back at you for using figurative language and being an obscure douchebag.  Few people will get your nonsensical mumbo jumbo- use plain English to escape rectal skewering and hold nothing about how you’re feeling in.

Gemini

Look at Taurus’s horoscope and shove a middle finger in its face. Afterwards, put a cool set of sunshades on and walk away.  Then find any place to take a nap, preferably some place that’ll make the largest amount of people jealous that you’re getting a nap in during working hours.  Why? Because you’ve got “creative-brain” syndrome.  Some good ideas are floating around in the ether so do what you need to do to nab them.  So when I say “nap” this may mean “copious amounts of drug use” but that’s really up to you.  Either way this week should be a happy, feel good time.

Cancer

Lie through your teeth. That’s usually something cool to do, yeah.  Actually, this week things are burning inside you...indescribable urges, things that need to get done.  Some of them may involve a blow torch, others involve things that are hard to describe. Anyway, time off to pursue these and other things is needed for a sound mind.  You won’t be able to do your usual half-ass, bullshit work otherwise.   You probably won’t accomplish much on the day(s) off but it’ll be “enough.” It might be best to promise to do better next time possibly inferring the additional use of a few hoses, a couple power drills, and some fertility pills.

Leo

There’s not just some wool over your eyes, there’s a whole fucking sheep. Scrub out your image-getting see-holes and see that life has problems that you’re going to have put down your extra-sized, edible nacho hat and to deal with them. Concentrate on getting “the monies” otherwise pleasures and indulgences will come forcefully knocking on your balls and breaking your legs. You may also want to invest in synthetic / robot leg stock just in case.

Virgo

Nothing is going to tell you anything of use on this thing that bothers you any time soon.  There’s some wishy, there’s some washy. Rub-a-dub-dub, you’ve got yourself all in some kinda tub. Things need to get cleaned and you’re going to have to pick and choose as no one’s going to tell you what to do.  Just like most anything else, you’re going to have to pick up the slack later so do what you can and just forget about the rest, eh?

Libra

You will waste your time this week trying to improve things that will make you more attractive.  You do not need to look more attractive but it never hurts not to do things you’re supposed to do instead of looking more attractive so do what you want consequences  etc. etc. etc.

Scorpio

Trying to do things without using your brain muscle will hurt. Try to make thoughts this week.  Keep head warm for thinking to happen.  Don’t do stuff without it otherwise bad, baaaaaad. Bad time hurt much in head and wallet, make sad sad face for long sad time.  Make with thinking make things go good, good, gooder, yeah.

Sagittarius

Eating is overrated. Sleeping? Overrated.  Everything else besides impending obligations: overrated.  The world needs you in six thousand ways.  Go ahead try to buck the system by just slinging mashed potatoes at walls in your studio apartment completely naked or in some strange underwear/towel wrap.  I dare you, I dare you. On top of your uber responsibilities you will also suffer from a strain of “oh-my-god-this-is-too-muchiness” that will impair productivity.  But only you can do it. But you need rest.  But only you can do it! Figuring everything out will ultimately bring more challenges and even greater rewards. Hint: time-space continuum / cooperative sex partnerships.

Read More

Horoscope

Capricorn

Only you can summon the cryptic forces of the apocalypse. Keep crooning about and soon, the damnation and destruction of all mankind will pridefully parade over the entire world in one giant un-gay, nega-rainbow. Just remember success lurks in the mire and likes to choke and spit at you and then kinda gives you a quarter of what you’re looking for... so like, get over yourself and do whatever you’re doing like four times or something. Also, later in the week you may find out that you have an extreme fondness for pillows.

Aquarius

Don’t listen to any jerks. You didn’t apply for some sort of no’s job. Take or get those yesses you’ve been wanting and do it your way. This may surprise douchebags and other, lesser creatures. Try to involve a music video and/or a stapler in any or all of you exploits, it’ll add a little panache. 

Pisces

Now is a good time to act like Sweden: pretend to be neutral, make a few key alliances and mention casually mention to everyone that you have the safest and most secure bank in the world. Once everyone gives you their easily-stolen cash - take a banking holiday and then a vacation.

Aries

You have entered the universe’s dark, black, butthole… a place that craps out on guidance and clear, hygienical sense. Now is the time to push once, twice, and then maybe a couple more times… this may be what you need to get to the wonderfully awesome and horribly sexy things you’d really like to be doing. Just move forward and do things and everyone else will be crying to themselves asking “why” or “why me” so you won’t even have to.

Taurus

You will have to work with a multitude of assholes this week even if you’ve already had sex with them. Everyone thinks you are the “hip-hop superfly”and want to cash in on all the charm. This is a good chance to learn how demand things for being rad. Don’t settle for nothing because a lot of people will take you for granted, especially during bona-fide, touchy-feely time. Act now as it won’t last long and then where will you be?

Gemini

You may be getting good news! But it’ll most likely come packaged with spikey nails and a bow ribbon that’ll cut your right eye after trying to nibble it open. Unfortunately, you will need the messenger to provide a step-by-step guide to navigate to the prize and then how to use it for all of its “yum yum enjoyment time.” The messenger will most likely ask you to do a number of nefarious deeds for what you rightfully paid for and deserve… the stars say you should begrudge the shit out of this person and do only what you can ask “favors” for later.  

Cancer

Nostalgic city called, it wants you to remember that one special moment you once had and have never ever ever ever felt in your life again. Ever. I think it had to deal with your grandma and some porpoises playing volleyball on a piano but I could be wrong. It has happened before, on purpose because what really happens is usually too sad, happy or boring. While taking this call, driving around with it, your brain will forget about the present but only to show you the dreams that came from that one special time. Uh, reminder, go back and do that instead. Yeah do that, duh.

Leo

“Yes and then some more please” should be coming out of your gob-hole while your arms waggle about in warmth, welcoming an unfortunate fool stupid enough to get close to you. The stars, world, and some strange but interesting cats have been waiting for you to be more accepting and exhilarating person.

Virgo

Drop the thought of washing every piece of clothing individually by hand for that specific brand of freshness you enjoy! There are other pressing concerns outside. People will need you to recite a crappy influential poem or perform some sort motivational feat like tickling someone’s nose. This will be the case throughout the week. You will not get paid, you may get aroused. Deal with it.

Libra

Jesus, stop comparing yourself to Ghandi. You’re about ten thousand notches under his belt. You couldn’t even hang yourself properly with his belt. But that doesn’t mean you can’t aspire to be Ghandi 5,016. Or even Susan McBigtits the Third. Whatever, the point is… stop wasting your damn time. Now is the time to move ahead with your dreams without bullshit baggage.

Scorpio

Congratulations, soon you can brag to your friends that you live in not a house of money but “the house of money.” Somehow this will only make you furious and ignite a homicidal rage. Why? Who the hell knows you damaged but beautiful, diamond-encrusted fruitcake.  

Sagittarius

Pursuits for an extra coffee machine and your ultimate justice between good and evil will sag this week. Take baby steps to maintain balance. Don’t try to cheat and take moose baby steps or some other bullshit steps. We’re talking human baby steps. If you’re still confused just like, go real slow and take your time figuring things out this week.

Read More

Horoscopes

Capricorn

You will strive for perfection until your eyes crawl out if your skull and demand a break.  This won’t affect much in your week as you’ve probably already forgotten how to sleep or blink. 

Aquarius

The stars have been waiting to do something weird to you. Try to avoid space stations, eyeballs, and anything to do with spandex.  Also, there's a high chance a couple of bumblebees flying up your nose to furiously entwine themselves for the sole purpose of making a couple hundred bumblebabies.  About midweek, someone you had a crush on and might've fucked a whole bunch of times even though they were married is getting divorced and is looking to fuck again. So, you know, there's that and that doesn't sound too bad.

Pisces

You’ll probably want to stuff your soul in a mailbox and cry yourself to sleep in someone’s dirty closet. Midweek good news will happen to everybody else and you’ll feel like killing yourself.  End-week, comfort will finally come in the shape of a kitten. That kitten will actually be a deranged,  furry hobo named with herpes who will eventually steal your TV.

Aries

wearing a cape and smacking people on the fleshiest part of buttocks may get you the recognition you deserve.  Also, this week is as good a time as any to wear projectile underwear... oddly, a good number of people you meet will be into that sort of thing.

Taurus

With yet another criminal case against you thrown out because of a butt load of cash, super-fine looks, and the judge being worried about missing family members or something, the world is prostrating itself at your feet again. Huzzah!  Try taking advantage of everything- the stars demand it! But don’t be a bum about it; wear some cool shades or something to make everyone want to blow you while you’re doing it. You will also find yourself especially attracted to the destructive power of a Leo and might end the week enjoying a sweet, sensuous million dollar murder/crime spree.

Gemini

Now is the time to try a new profession. Ever thought about being a food mobster? Speaking in terms of a popular meme right now, whatever you choose to do, you could "success very much, lots money, big power- wow.

Cancer

It’d be best to invest heavily in crotchless eye-holes. Pffft, don’t act like you don’t know why.

Leo

This week you will be a crazy, emotional, dramonster.  Mood rings, the chameleons of mood swings, will want to take classes from you and might be the greatest way to save your family, loved ones and the whole of humanity.  Please, for the love of Christ, get the action on tape... you'll have a hard time denying anything but you'll get a damn good reality TV show deal out of the mix.

Virgo

Hahaha, ahhh… no. you couldn’t possibly do any better. Not this week, probably not next week either.  The stars in general are just kinda shaking their heads at you and taking bets as to when you’ll actually get to change your life for the better.  Good news though, only one says “never”

Libra

You will probably spend six weeks trying to forget your sign is short for Library.

   

Scorpio

No amount of help will get rid of that toilet monster you summoned with a deck of Necronomicards until you feed it last year’s tax information and all records of that shitty novel you just finished.

Sagittarius

You may encounter a series of unfortunate events surrounding something called a “leakage buffet.” It may sound gross now but in the end it will be.  The end of the week may turn in your favor as the sexy, all-expense paid live-in nurse you'll need to help you through your ailing woes could arrive early.

Read More

Horoscopes

Capricorn
The world will most likely blow your fuckin' mind. At least three extinct unicorns from the past will try to kill you.  And yes, one of them is named "Christmas."

Aquarius
Forget about your parents, right now you need to go out. Taste the fruit and fires of freedom!  If that means wearing an 80s mustache and rollerskating around a dandelion factory dressed only in nipple pasties and assless chaps, then so be it.

Pisces
To accomplish your goals this week you will need: a moldy sandwich, two stolen bikinis, a vial of self-embalming fluid, and a snarky grin that says “the world is my fully loaded double-baked potato.”   These things will surely lead you to a plethora of nifty stuff and things and junk.

Aries
Hold onto your favorite safe words, you'll be needing them next week. For now do something totally ridiculous and awesome to deserve it like win of those "bad-ass of the week" awards from Satan or something.

Taurus
Bungee jumping from a large erect building with a number of corpses you stole from the morgue sounds fun in theory, but it is… especially if you manage to swing around, spank and high-five them all.  The stars and the universe think your week might just be this creepy cool if you do.

Gemini
You will most likely draw the short straw in NASA's newest project: catapulting people at the sun with bowls of rain water to cool it down. Good news: you'll get to live tweet the whole experience for friends and family. Bad news: NASA doesn't want you to tweet about any of that "I can't breathe" or "Oh god I'm burning" bullshit.


Cancer
You will probably have the unshakeable feeling that you're experiencing some sort of "earthquake" just because the ground beneath seems to be trying to "swallow you whole." The cure might deal with "growing" or "making" your own "wings," whether this means reality-altering, awesome-tasting "drugs" is pffff, shhh, pffft, coincidental at best.

Leo
Listening? What the hell is that? Of course you know what everyone else is talking about.  So, like, don't bother paying attention to anyone and just go into their rooms at night and shit all over their pillows. Because, you know, they asked for it.

Virgo
Shake up where you go, try new places because sometime this week your favorite place to jerkoff will probably be infested with zombies.

Libra
The best thing you could do today is steal someone’s breakfast right off their plate.  You can pretend like it’s an inconvenience or some bullshit by saying “um, excuse me sir or madam, I need this for a second” and then run away laughing and stuffing your face; whatever.  The point: you could easily have a career as a breakfast smuggler.  Bonus points for stealing full plates of donuts and bacon. Triple points if you steal a bowl full of shitty applesauce from a child.
   
Scorpio
That goat you found on the side of the road has a family.  The stars aren’t saying “let it free” or anything but you know, just think about it.  Now is the time to make things right.

Sagittarius
Your week's objective might involve a time machine hot tub.  Trying to reach this objective will most likely lead to death by electrocution and the resurrection of three horrific devil-unicorns. So, if you think about it, this week won't be all bad.

Read More

Horoscopes

(in random order for your un-convenience)

Capricorn
One of your top three least favorite friends or acquaintances will ask something from you that you might begrudge for the rest of your damn life…  this may lead to several interesting but unfortunate encounters with a one-eyed goat. As important as setting boundaries will be this week, setting up safe words for all of your illicit inclinations might be importanter as someone might want to play out one of your strangle-y, stabb-y fantasies and finely tap your sweet hairy ass.  About noon-ish on Thursday you might hate yourself for not doing everything possible and try to kill yourself.  If you don’t, on Sunday, you may be invited to a bitchin’ pity party that involves huge gobs of whipcream sadcake.

Aries
You may need to shut some people’s faces and possibly slam a door on a variety of genitals to get some motherfuckin’ work done.  Let your fans play “saucy and revealing photos of you” the trading game, because really it’ll boost your awesomeness, “rebelocity” and social capital levels anyway.  Later in the week people will praise you for your “thunder prowess” and want to hold you in various ways.  When choosing to fornicate with from this lot, stay away for “the skinnies” this time or you might face an unclean and eternal stench of emotional garbage.   Also talking may get you into trouble this week so you may just grunt and point a lot, this will also make you sexy and mysterious.

Taurus
You may have been hurt by some bad tacos in the past. You may have been tricked into eating a shitty basil du jour salad with a honey mustard dressing. You may even have seen some weird gooey child eat and play with their sick while staring at you eating your favorite burger at a Who Gives A Fuck. Well it’s time to look beyond the hurt and go out again.  There are good things coming! Don’t go “super crazy I hate myself I’m going to eat anything and everything buffet style,” but now might be a good time to enjoy your time on this earth and partake and sup upon tasty, righteous sounding things!  Also this week: you may be prone to poor and life-threatening decisions.

Gemini
This time your significant other could really mean it when they say you’re looking good” or ask “can I have another” And why not? You’ve got the whole package but are you going to deliver it?  You may have some hangers-on trying to unwrap everything you’ve worked for.  Perhaps this time the package should be holding out until it can be handled with care.  Make sure to keep yourself right side up and on top unless you’re into freakier things because you’re precious-wecious and can be fragile.  Throughout this week, remember, you’ve got the goods to be great and do great things for others. Set your own weight limits and arrival dates this week to keep yourself light and sweet.

Cancer
Let’s face it; you’re a broken, beat down, sexless robot. However, things could change just this week alone.  All of the other signs were feeling guilty for being awesome and decided to suck for a week to empower you or something.  This week just about anything you put your mind to you should have the energy for and the mindset not to be a lazy-ass about pursuing things for at least the next few days.

Leo
You will most likely want to get a tattoo of a wing’ed mailbox with a spiked, twelve inch tongue fighting a bronicorn or getting a tattoo of something else equally questionable and exciting.  The universe suggests you do not.  You will be tempted by extreme opportunities possibly involving double dog dares, blackouts, “I don’t give a fuck” contract signings and things having to do with nut sacks… most of these actions will result in pregnancies (plural) to unspoken yet binding vows to Satan- use your best judgement.

Virgo
This week pretend to be a frisky yet innocent and naïve college freshmen from a small stupid town seeking to find out the ways and wonders of the world.  This includes all of the ups and downs of finding who you really are to having hundreds of meaningful, meaningless three to five minute relationships.  Midway through the week, transition yourself into a wizened, apt, and mature college senior who knows how to play by most of the rules but knows all of the tricks.  This should illicit some deserved happy fun time for everyone and help strike a fine balance in something probably.

Libra
Is it money or is it monay? When poor people are doing their usual, sad money prayer dance, they’re looking for what you got.  With what’s going on in your world, they’ll be using at least several highly favorable adjectives before speaking your name or just call you “the money maker” for short. You might just be adding to your super sweet swag bag and rolling the big payout ball if you keep up the good stuff- just don’t be suffering fools.

Scorpio
If you don’t have any cops at your door by the end of the week you should be upset with yourself. The stars favor you so much you could probably get away with murder or another sweet sweet victimless crime.  Now is the time to say what you want, hopefully it’ll encourage others to go into much needed therapy or whatever, who cares anyway.  Also, now is a good time to eat blocks of cheese, cubed grapes, basically anything resembling a parallelogram will do amazing things for you as a decent human being. 

Sagittarius
Hide yourself. The best possible place? In your bed or a nice, stuffy closet under a trove of blankets woven from the finest of goat cheeses.  If you can’t find and buy the blankets- get the goat. If you don’t get the goat, maybe get a statue or a miniature figurine of a goat. This will work but the stars say that it if you’re going to get one of these, it has to be looking at you angrily as if shaming you for not getting a real goat because goats have an unemployment rate of like 78% right now.  And to answer your question, yes, if in a pinch you can use a Capricorn.   Needless to say, your week will be crap-ass and super shitty.
   
Aquarius
Congratulations! You will be offered multiple unethical business dealings this week. Be sure to capitalize on these ventures as only you can.  Be sure to label each and every one of these transactions, agreements or the like as “spiritually rewarding” and a “pinnacle of success.”   This is also a good time to get on the colleges of business ethics speech circuit- each venue pays well and comes with the fine 3,000+ year old bottle of wine “Le Hypocrisy.”

Pisces
You will find hidden meanings in almost every type of sign especially of the “One Way,”  “Junction,” “Yield, “Watch for Children,” and “Dead End” variety.  The insight gained will be invaluable.  Also, avoid bikes.

Read More