Horoscopes

Capricorn

Try some yoga or tai chi.  Anything to help you balance and refocus.  A lot of questions can be answered yes or no.  Give yourself time to realize mating soft and hard tacos is nonsensical and potentially hazardous.  Remember Capricorn, you are the future’s filthiest beggar. Grand schemes  toil in your sleep, wait for the ones that rob you of your sleep, and take you into sure-footed dreams.

Aquarius

Staple a package of reality to your forehead otherwise you’ll take any trip to lala-lala-lalalala-la land and regret one or two irreparable things this week.  Otherwise just let the world hang on your flow, you’ve got some swaggerin’ to get to.  Shimmy along the road to doin’ “okay” and “allllright.”  Nothing’s going to take your groove away.  If something goes slightly askew, change the universe with just a couple simple steps and whole lotta’ use of the word “dude.”

Pisces

This week you will finally get recognized for something. It will most likely be because of something you did or said or thought while something was happening to something or something else along similar lines.  Anyway, this week go overboard and “treat yo’self!” You did whatever it was you did and other people should recognize it.  Damnit.  A good way to do this is to spout mystical nonsense and read campy humor stories others can relate to because they’d like that and can be easily manipulated into thinking they’re superiorily smart enough to be dumbed down by their smartily smartness to recognize and follow you as one of the four  magical, super-genius, smarter-than-thou guru pals.

Aries

Your significant other may have a knife behind their back but don’t worry, it’s probably for someone you don’t even like, so that’s a bonus.  However good this might seem it could lead to “issues.” Remember the old adage, “Once a stabby, always a stabby.” Of course there’s always “A couple that plays together stays together” so… there are a lot of boring-talky or fun-stabby options in your future depending on what you want to do.

Taurus

You’ve tendered and cured your emotions into an insane bull full of wild anger and raging beef.  Congratulations, pushing away and neglecting what you could have dealt with has manifested itself and now is charging at you- all on red.  This is the universe getting back at you for using figurative language and being an obscure douchebag.  Few people will get your nonsensical mumbo jumbo- use plain English to escape rectal skewering and hold nothing about how you’re feeling in.

Gemini

Look at Taurus’s horoscope and shove a middle finger in its face. Afterwards, put a cool set of sunshades on and walk away.  Then find any place to take a nap, preferably some place that’ll make the largest amount of people jealous that you’re getting a nap in during working hours.  Why? Because you’ve got “creative-brain” syndrome.  Some good ideas are floating around in the ether so do what you need to do to nab them.  So when I say “nap” this may mean “copious amounts of drug use” but that’s really up to you.  Either way this week should be a happy, feel good time.

Cancer

Lie through your teeth. That’s usually something cool to do, yeah.  Actually, this week things are burning inside you...indescribable urges, things that need to get done.  Some of them may involve a blow torch, others involve things that are hard to describe. Anyway, time off to pursue these and other things is needed for a sound mind.  You won’t be able to do your usual half-ass, bullshit work otherwise.   You probably won’t accomplish much on the day(s) off but it’ll be “enough.” It might be best to promise to do better next time possibly inferring the additional use of a few hoses, a couple power drills, and some fertility pills.

Leo

There’s not just some wool over your eyes, there’s a whole fucking sheep. Scrub out your image-getting see-holes and see that life has problems that you’re going to have put down your extra-sized, edible nacho hat and to deal with them. Concentrate on getting “the monies” otherwise pleasures and indulgences will come forcefully knocking on your balls and breaking your legs. You may also want to invest in synthetic / robot leg stock just in case.

Virgo

Nothing is going to tell you anything of use on this thing that bothers you any time soon.  There’s some wishy, there’s some washy. Rub-a-dub-dub, you’ve got yourself all in some kinda tub. Things need to get cleaned and you’re going to have to pick and choose as no one’s going to tell you what to do.  Just like most anything else, you’re going to have to pick up the slack later so do what you can and just forget about the rest, eh?

Libra

You will waste your time this week trying to improve things that will make you more attractive.  You do not need to look more attractive but it never hurts not to do things you’re supposed to do instead of looking more attractive so do what you want consequences  etc. etc. etc.

Scorpio

Trying to do things without using your brain muscle will hurt. Try to make thoughts this week.  Keep head warm for thinking to happen.  Don’t do stuff without it otherwise bad, baaaaaad. Bad time hurt much in head and wallet, make sad sad face for long sad time.  Make with thinking make things go good, good, gooder, yeah.

Sagittarius

Eating is overrated. Sleeping? Overrated.  Everything else besides impending obligations: overrated.  The world needs you in six thousand ways.  Go ahead try to buck the system by just slinging mashed potatoes at walls in your studio apartment completely naked or in some strange underwear/towel wrap.  I dare you, I dare you. On top of your uber responsibilities you will also suffer from a strain of “oh-my-god-this-is-too-muchiness” that will impair productivity.  But only you can do it. But you need rest.  But only you can do it! Figuring everything out will ultimately bring more challenges and even greater rewards. Hint: time-space continuum / cooperative sex partnerships.