News Bits 02

News Bits of "Humor"

Lab-bor-atory- Scientists have created another neutron double z demon using leftover flesh parts of bimbos and Nazis again. It broke out of its cage in search for others of its kind, to steal a soul, or find a way to enslave all of humanity with its rugged good looks and mind-powers just like last twenty-seven times. Scientists refused to comment.

Death in the Fantasy- The four young, plucky, oddly unique and lovable adventurers that had overcome their own hardships, grown to settle their differences, and learned to love one another died today on a horribly misguided quest given to them by their parents.

Dis-easing- A new disease called panty-raids seems to have taken local sexy and unsexy (but mostly sexy) women by storm. The disease was first diagnosed by a dubiously accredited, lecherous doctor. Panty-raids is a common disease most women have, it appears to have no symptoms other than the fact that their panties inexplicably disappear due to people, usually of the male/female variety between 13 and 86 years of age stealing them. In some instances the disease is communicable but hardly ever airborne. If you think this disease may pertain to you, see said lecherous doctor: he has a few suggestions.

Mad About Scientist- Local mad scientist unleashed the first monster made entirely out of hair clippings and toe nails. It took seventy kidnapped slaves/volunteers and 20 million dollars. Most of the funding came in the form of government grants supposedly earmarked for a much anticipated as of yet titled plan to destroy the universe. The monster is said to give over 25 unemployed local heroes a job for the holiday season which is a 30% increase from last year. The whole account will be televised in a 3 part hour-long-long miniseries and promises a spectacular finale that will blow your mind.

Headlines

• Pentagon to fly 300,000 strippers to Afghanistan to do what the army just won't do
• Other stuff is happening in other countries maybe
• Journalist to ask Obama where he gets his t-shirts
• Porcupine dresses in women's clothing
• Father Winter detained for illegally smuggling snowflakes into the country
• Peanut Butter and Jelly sex tape revealed
• U.S. Airlines to patent sky

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News Bits - 01

News Bits

Iraq had some ‘Sploding to do- An Iraqi book mart was bombed earlier this week; thousands of books died, several hundred were injured.  When asking a patron to recount some of the titles he said, “I couldn’t tell you, I was just learning to look at the pictures.”

War Over!- The war on poisonous toads may well be over.  A group dedicated to destroying poisonous toads captured the largest male specimen ever, hiding in an unmarked cave with really great plumbing.  Its name is believed to be King Toadekus the Third.  Ladies and gentlemen, we believe we have their leader, it won’t be long now.

Parent Company Bought Out- in a rare deal, a random soulless corporation bought the parent company to a small business.  Having no need for the little one it was given up for adoption; however no one wanted it, so they kicked it out into the streets to fend for itself… a week later it was found in the wilderness being raised by a cunning group of business wolves with a large amount of savvy. It has now become a billion dollar company specializing in training orphaned babies.

Good News!- The government lied, everything will be alright.  In a stunning turn of events global warming was killed by terrorism, terrorism was destroyed by the war on drugs, the war on drugs choked on polluted fish, the polluted fish were ironically cleaned by toxic sludge.  Twenty minutes later, Congress voted 100 – 0 to stop. Just stop and in most cases, rescind everything they've done in the last thirty-five years.

Party at Jimmy's House- Jimmy lets world know: he has a party going on.  So far only him and the ghost of his ex-girlfriend's cat has shown up.  He's pretty sure he has enough booze to depress a gallon of nitroglycerin and get at least a few people wasted. He says it's a pretty sweet set up although he doesn't have a pool, TV, anything to sit or lay down on, games, music or a working toilet; and yet without all this cool stuff, it doesn't mean everyone couldn't get into some serious trouble. Free Party favors: expired condoms. Food: used mints. Party's address: 4th and main, 222 my place.  Just as the flier suggests, it won't end until he passes out from crying

Headlines:

• Pentagon says: Bullets made with happiness more humane.
• New bailout allows bankers to laugh at everyone and steal every third patron's bank account
• Robots that destroyed New Jersey not taken seriously.
• Baby left on doorstep stayed on doorstep.
• Old woman accidentally knits two kittens together.

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