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5:20 AM
J
Capricorn
The world will most likely blow your fuckin' mind. At least three extinct unicorns from the past will try to kill you. And yes, one of them is named "Christmas."
Aquarius
Forget about your parents, right now you need to go out. Taste the fruit and fires of freedom! If that means wearing an 80s mustache and rollerskating around a dandelion factory dressed only in nipple pasties and assless chaps, then so be it.
Pisces
To accomplish your goals this week you will need: a moldy sandwich, two stolen bikinis, a vial of self-embalming fluid, and a snarky grin that says “the world is my fully loaded double-baked potato.” These things will surely lead you to a plethora of nifty stuff and things and junk.
Aries
Hold onto your favorite safe words, you'll be needing them next week. For now do something totally ridiculous and awesome to deserve it like win of those "bad-ass of the week" awards from Satan or something.
Taurus
Bungee jumping from a large erect building with a number of corpses you stole from the morgue sounds fun in theory, but it is… especially if you manage to swing around, spank and high-five them all. The stars and the universe think your week might just be this creepy cool if you do.
Gemini
You will most likely draw the short straw in NASA's newest project: catapulting people at the sun with bowls of rain water to cool it down. Good news: you'll get to live tweet the whole experience for friends and family. Bad news: NASA doesn't want you to tweet about any of that "I can't breathe" or "Oh god I'm burning" bullshit.
Cancer
You will probably have the unshakeable feeling that you're experiencing some sort of "earthquake" just because the ground beneath seems to be trying to "swallow you whole." The cure might deal with "growing" or "making" your own "wings," whether this means reality-altering, awesome-tasting "drugs" is pffff, shhh, pffft, coincidental at best.
Leo
Listening? What the hell is that? Of course you know what everyone else is talking about. So, like, don't bother paying attention to anyone and just go into their rooms at night and shit all over their pillows. Because, you know, they asked for it.
Virgo
Shake up where you go, try new places because sometime this week your favorite place to jerkoff will probably be infested with zombies.
Libra
The best thing you could do today is steal someone’s breakfast right off their plate. You can pretend like it’s an inconvenience or some bullshit by saying “um, excuse me sir or madam, I need this for a second” and then run away laughing and stuffing your face; whatever. The point: you could easily have a career as a breakfast smuggler. Bonus points for stealing full plates of donuts and bacon. Triple points if you steal a bowl full of shitty applesauce from a child.
Scorpio
That goat you found on the side of the road has a family. The stars aren’t saying “let it free” or anything but you know, just think about it. Now is the time to make things right.
Sagittarius
Your week's objective might involve a time machine hot tub. Trying to reach this objective will most likely lead to death by electrocution and the resurrection of three horrific devil-unicorns. So, if you think about it, this week won't be all bad.
The world will most likely blow your fuckin' mind. At least three extinct unicorns from the past will try to kill you. And yes, one of them is named "Christmas."
Aquarius
Forget about your parents, right now you need to go out. Taste the fruit and fires of freedom! If that means wearing an 80s mustache and rollerskating around a dandelion factory dressed only in nipple pasties and assless chaps, then so be it.
Pisces
To accomplish your goals this week you will need: a moldy sandwich, two stolen bikinis, a vial of self-embalming fluid, and a snarky grin that says “the world is my fully loaded double-baked potato.” These things will surely lead you to a plethora of nifty stuff and things and junk.
Aries
Hold onto your favorite safe words, you'll be needing them next week. For now do something totally ridiculous and awesome to deserve it like win of those "bad-ass of the week" awards from Satan or something.
Taurus
Bungee jumping from a large erect building with a number of corpses you stole from the morgue sounds fun in theory, but it is… especially if you manage to swing around, spank and high-five them all. The stars and the universe think your week might just be this creepy cool if you do.
Gemini
You will most likely draw the short straw in NASA's newest project: catapulting people at the sun with bowls of rain water to cool it down. Good news: you'll get to live tweet the whole experience for friends and family. Bad news: NASA doesn't want you to tweet about any of that "I can't breathe" or "Oh god I'm burning" bullshit.
Cancer
You will probably have the unshakeable feeling that you're experiencing some sort of "earthquake" just because the ground beneath seems to be trying to "swallow you whole." The cure might deal with "growing" or "making" your own "wings," whether this means reality-altering, awesome-tasting "drugs" is pffff, shhh, pffft, coincidental at best.
Leo
Listening? What the hell is that? Of course you know what everyone else is talking about. So, like, don't bother paying attention to anyone and just go into their rooms at night and shit all over their pillows. Because, you know, they asked for it.
Virgo
Shake up where you go, try new places because sometime this week your favorite place to jerkoff will probably be infested with zombies.
Libra
The best thing you could do today is steal someone’s breakfast right off their plate. You can pretend like it’s an inconvenience or some bullshit by saying “um, excuse me sir or madam, I need this for a second” and then run away laughing and stuffing your face; whatever. The point: you could easily have a career as a breakfast smuggler. Bonus points for stealing full plates of donuts and bacon. Triple points if you steal a bowl full of shitty applesauce from a child.
Scorpio
That goat you found on the side of the road has a family. The stars aren’t saying “let it free” or anything but you know, just think about it. Now is the time to make things right.
Sagittarius
Your week's objective might involve a time machine hot tub. Trying to reach this objective will most likely lead to death by electrocution and the resurrection of three horrific devil-unicorns. So, if you think about it, this week won't be all bad.
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