Horoscopes for the Week

Capricorn

The stars have aligned themselves into some graphic and horribly obscene constellations, you may not want to go outside at night.

Aquarius

It’s time to step out of the murky depths and creepy shadows and accept the accolades of being a “Front Stabber”

Pisces

Soon you may be in need of a mighty wizard, definitely make sure the wizard is mighty but also that the wizard is a  bartender giving away free drinks that will totally get you blasted.

Aries

You probably shouldn't refer to people as delicious sacks of meat

Taurus

You’ll probably be okay doing things with your boyfriend’s moose on a semi-regular basis, just remember to keep things casual at first.

Gemini

It’s time you got out of that crappy rectum testing facility and got a job at a more respectable dump.

Cancer

Looks like that blood ritual paid off, romance is in the air tonight

Leo

This week you may be the apple of someone’s eye just not the best parts

Virgo

A stranger will ask you to tell them a bunch of personal things, if you don’t tell them your astrology sign, they will say, “You Virgot to tell me” and run away screaming obscenities. Use this power wisely.

Libra

Everyone’s tired of hearing about that wicked awesome story about you being stuck under a dead bear and having to eat it from the face down and drink its blood to stay alive, for real.

Scorpio

If you start questioning everyone around you, eventually you’ll find out who your real father is.

Sagittarius

Stay away from burning buildings and other things you could set fire to.