Sketches ~ Life in the Jon

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Sketches

8:56 AM

J

Preface: Wanting to write for SNL or some paid sketch comedy gig, every week I'll post 5-10 sketch ideas to keep the mind going. Think of these as pitches. By next week I'll hopefully have completely written one or two. The ideas range from G-rating to R and may not be suitable for SNL audiences but still... this is practice in being productive/proficient.

Sketches this week:

1: Dieting Commercial or Cafeteria scene:

Woman talking about needing to eat less you need to see less. The lunch area only has one portion in each dish and is replaced when she leaves. Chooses to have only a half of a pea. Another woman goes up and chooses a breaded chicken where the lunch lady offers to cut the portion wanted and judges her for wanting more.

This much? This much? Oh you want the whole breaded chicken...

Etc.

2: Interview with Michelle Obama over food program-

Now let's talk about health, how many oyster crackers should be on a child's plate?

Three. One should be crushed and tossed on top of the other two to act as a bread-crumb accoutrement. (so it's almost two starches)

Etc.

3: Game Show: Go Balls-in or Get Butt-Hurt About it:

Okay contestants, here you will given scenarios and have to choose whether to go balls-in or get butt-hurt about it.

4: What's Trending with Dan and Daisy Dunright.

(trending for women, trending for me)
Follow Dan down the Videohole- A mother of five vomiting on a dolphin: I spent like five hours thinking about it after. Cop saves waffle being murdered by a panda.

Follow Daisy- a firefighting dog saved an adorable kitten from a nasty kitchen fire, Sheila lied about being pregnant but loves to smell her own farts, etc.

Possible Sketch/Monologue for: Bradley Cooper

People just wanting him to do his Rocket character (from Galaxy of the Guardians)

American Sniper - lining up a shot with an annoying person nearby: crinkling bubble wrap, straw slurp, taking a dump with the wind going in that direction. Possibly played by Zach Galifinakis.

Director asking him to play a really mentally disturbed character I mean, I've seen you do Silvelinings Playbook and American Sniper but I'm gonna need you to dig deeper. Here's some inspiration: you were twelve had no friends but you had a Talking Teddy Ruxpin doll but it didn't work quite right and sometimes it talked slow with a boinko eye and its words would slur together and tell you about deep, dark disgusting things void of magical adventures. It also had a greasy mustache and always asked to lick your hand. This was your best friend, teaching you otherworldly horrible things while you tried to get your life back together from being born with a pre-natal addiction to cocaine because of all the drugs your coked out mom used during the pregnancy. Oh, but you're happy and like walruses, try to incorporate that somehow.