Horoscope

Capricorn

Your time has come, only you can make gunslinger a valid profession.

Aquarius

You probably have some shitty thing you have to go to. You will hate it. But… there’s a good chance you might have sex with a couch.

Pisces

Beware people wearing plaid shirts and fake mustaches.  They might have tasty, tasty candy.

Aries

Remember if something you don’t like isn’t on fire, it’s your fault.

Taurus

Metaphorically speaking, it’s time you took your pinky out of your dog’s asshole

Gemini

Mini-clowns are waiting to jump through your new hoop earrings.  However this goes, you brought this upon yourself.

Cancer

No one will buy your Ebola Bingo cards but you’ll have fun playing alone.

Leo

Your lust for love and life will leave most of your clothes thrown to the wind or shredded in the heat of passion. In other words: it’s a good time to go shopping

Virgo

Fortune smiles upon you, now is the time to iron out those varicose veins on your buttcheeks.

Libra

It’s a good idea to follow that envelope’s advice. Yes, please, “Return to Sender.”

Scorpio

Waiting to ask your favorite deli meat counter-boy or counter-girl for a close shave and 3 pounds of ham will serve you well.

Sagittarius

It is perfectly okay and highly preferable that you wear a low-cut man-dress for that fancy trip to Big Al’s Bowling Alley.