Horoscope

Capricorn

Only you can summon the cryptic forces of the apocalypse. Keep crooning about and soon, the damnation and destruction of all mankind will pridefully parade over the entire world in one giant un-gay, nega-rainbow. Just remember success lurks in the mire and likes to choke and spit at you and then kinda gives you a quarter of what you’re looking for... so like, get over yourself and do whatever you’re doing like four times or something. Also, later in the week you may find out that you have an extreme fondness for pillows.

Aquarius

Don’t listen to any jerks. You didn’t apply for some sort of no’s job. Take or get those yesses you’ve been wanting and do it your way. This may surprise douchebags and other, lesser creatures. Try to involve a music video and/or a stapler in any or all of you exploits, it’ll add a little panache. 

Pisces

Now is a good time to act like Sweden: pretend to be neutral, make a few key alliances and mention casually mention to everyone that you have the safest and most secure bank in the world. Once everyone gives you their easily-stolen cash - take a banking holiday and then a vacation.

Aries

You have entered the universe’s dark, black, butthole… a place that craps out on guidance and clear, hygienical sense. Now is the time to push once, twice, and then maybe a couple more times… this may be what you need to get to the wonderfully awesome and horribly sexy things you’d really like to be doing. Just move forward and do things and everyone else will be crying to themselves asking “why” or “why me” so you won’t even have to.

Taurus

You will have to work with a multitude of assholes this week even if you’ve already had sex with them. Everyone thinks you are the “hip-hop superfly”and want to cash in on all the charm. This is a good chance to learn how demand things for being rad. Don’t settle for nothing because a lot of people will take you for granted, especially during bona-fide, touchy-feely time. Act now as it won’t last long and then where will you be?

Gemini

You may be getting good news! But it’ll most likely come packaged with spikey nails and a bow ribbon that’ll cut your right eye after trying to nibble it open. Unfortunately, you will need the messenger to provide a step-by-step guide to navigate to the prize and then how to use it for all of its “yum yum enjoyment time.” The messenger will most likely ask you to do a number of nefarious deeds for what you rightfully paid for and deserve… the stars say you should begrudge the shit out of this person and do only what you can ask “favors” for later.  

Cancer

Nostalgic city called, it wants you to remember that one special moment you once had and have never ever ever ever felt in your life again. Ever. I think it had to deal with your grandma and some porpoises playing volleyball on a piano but I could be wrong. It has happened before, on purpose because what really happens is usually too sad, happy or boring. While taking this call, driving around with it, your brain will forget about the present but only to show you the dreams that came from that one special time. Uh, reminder, go back and do that instead. Yeah do that, duh.

Leo

“Yes and then some more please” should be coming out of your gob-hole while your arms waggle about in warmth, welcoming an unfortunate fool stupid enough to get close to you. The stars, world, and some strange but interesting cats have been waiting for you to be more accepting and exhilarating person.

Virgo

Drop the thought of washing every piece of clothing individually by hand for that specific brand of freshness you enjoy! There are other pressing concerns outside. People will need you to recite a crappy influential poem or perform some sort motivational feat like tickling someone’s nose. This will be the case throughout the week. You will not get paid, you may get aroused. Deal with it.

Libra

Jesus, stop comparing yourself to Ghandi. You’re about ten thousand notches under his belt. You couldn’t even hang yourself properly with his belt. But that doesn’t mean you can’t aspire to be Ghandi 5,016. Or even Susan McBigtits the Third. Whatever, the point is… stop wasting your damn time. Now is the time to move ahead with your dreams without bullshit baggage.

Scorpio

Congratulations, soon you can brag to your friends that you live in not a house of money but “the house of money.” Somehow this will only make you furious and ignite a homicidal rage. Why? Who the hell knows you damaged but beautiful, diamond-encrusted fruitcake.  

Sagittarius

Pursuits for an extra coffee machine and your ultimate justice between good and evil will sag this week. Take baby steps to maintain balance. Don’t try to cheat and take moose baby steps or some other bullshit steps. We’re talking human baby steps. If you’re still confused just like, go real slow and take your time figuring things out this week.