Joke Horoscopes

Capricorn

There are many obstacles in your path, luckily those sausage demons you recently encountered aren't one of them, there like, a totally different thing.

Aquarius

It might be faster to burn you sweater-vest collection, fake your death, reinvent yourself, get a full time job and buy a whole new set than trying to organize that pile of garbage.

Pisces

People aren't weirded out that you've made a profession out of petting their pets, it's that you dig up their carcasses first.

Aries

If you describe your stool as milk-like and slurpy you're probably going to be okay once somebody calls somebody who calls somebody to take you away.

Taurus

Most people on house arrest don't usually try to join the neighborhood watch but you

Gemini

Yes, your new life direction should be: super-awesome nymphomaniac / spiritual healer doctor person.

Cancer

Time Travelling to the old west to get your car washed in a trail of tears is culturally insensitive, but you should probably do it anyway.

Leo

You will find immense pleasure in stepping in people's way and crushing their dreams... all while sipping some beverage through a straw like that douchey character on that new TV show.

Virgo

Now is the time to start artificially inseminating your friends; you know, because they asked you to to prove a point or something. 

Libra

You will have many, many sweaty dreams.

Scorpio

You are one step closer to creating a death ray or death laser or death thing that makes people disintegrate. Really, this week should be spent finding the right, super-wicked name for the thing.

Sagittarius

Now is a good time to weed out old friends and shitty pets, your waste service management team will throw away anything you put in a garbage bag this week. 

(I sincerely apologize for the Cancer horoscope)