Horoscopes

(in random order for your un-convenience)

Capricorn
One of your top three least favorite friends or acquaintances will ask something from you that you might begrudge for the rest of your damn life…  this may lead to several interesting but unfortunate encounters with a one-eyed goat. As important as setting boundaries will be this week, setting up safe words for all of your illicit inclinations might be importanter as someone might want to play out one of your strangle-y, stabb-y fantasies and finely tap your sweet hairy ass.  About noon-ish on Thursday you might hate yourself for not doing everything possible and try to kill yourself.  If you don’t, on Sunday, you may be invited to a bitchin’ pity party that involves huge gobs of whipcream sadcake.

Aries
You may need to shut some people’s faces and possibly slam a door on a variety of genitals to get some motherfuckin’ work done.  Let your fans play “saucy and revealing photos of you” the trading game, because really it’ll boost your awesomeness, “rebelocity” and social capital levels anyway.  Later in the week people will praise you for your “thunder prowess” and want to hold you in various ways.  When choosing to fornicate with from this lot, stay away for “the skinnies” this time or you might face an unclean and eternal stench of emotional garbage.   Also talking may get you into trouble this week so you may just grunt and point a lot, this will also make you sexy and mysterious.

Taurus
You may have been hurt by some bad tacos in the past. You may have been tricked into eating a shitty basil du jour salad with a honey mustard dressing. You may even have seen some weird gooey child eat and play with their sick while staring at you eating your favorite burger at a Who Gives A Fuck. Well it’s time to look beyond the hurt and go out again.  There are good things coming! Don’t go “super crazy I hate myself I’m going to eat anything and everything buffet style,” but now might be a good time to enjoy your time on this earth and partake and sup upon tasty, righteous sounding things!  Also this week: you may be prone to poor and life-threatening decisions.

Gemini
This time your significant other could really mean it when they say you’re looking good” or ask “can I have another” And why not? You’ve got the whole package but are you going to deliver it?  You may have some hangers-on trying to unwrap everything you’ve worked for.  Perhaps this time the package should be holding out until it can be handled with care.  Make sure to keep yourself right side up and on top unless you’re into freakier things because you’re precious-wecious and can be fragile.  Throughout this week, remember, you’ve got the goods to be great and do great things for others. Set your own weight limits and arrival dates this week to keep yourself light and sweet.

Cancer
Let’s face it; you’re a broken, beat down, sexless robot. However, things could change just this week alone.  All of the other signs were feeling guilty for being awesome and decided to suck for a week to empower you or something.  This week just about anything you put your mind to you should have the energy for and the mindset not to be a lazy-ass about pursuing things for at least the next few days.

Leo
You will most likely want to get a tattoo of a wing’ed mailbox with a spiked, twelve inch tongue fighting a bronicorn or getting a tattoo of something else equally questionable and exciting.  The universe suggests you do not.  You will be tempted by extreme opportunities possibly involving double dog dares, blackouts, “I don’t give a fuck” contract signings and things having to do with nut sacks… most of these actions will result in pregnancies (plural) to unspoken yet binding vows to Satan- use your best judgement.

Virgo
This week pretend to be a frisky yet innocent and naïve college freshmen from a small stupid town seeking to find out the ways and wonders of the world.  This includes all of the ups and downs of finding who you really are to having hundreds of meaningful, meaningless three to five minute relationships.  Midway through the week, transition yourself into a wizened, apt, and mature college senior who knows how to play by most of the rules but knows all of the tricks.  This should illicit some deserved happy fun time for everyone and help strike a fine balance in something probably.

Libra
Is it money or is it monay? When poor people are doing their usual, sad money prayer dance, they’re looking for what you got.  With what’s going on in your world, they’ll be using at least several highly favorable adjectives before speaking your name or just call you “the money maker” for short. You might just be adding to your super sweet swag bag and rolling the big payout ball if you keep up the good stuff- just don’t be suffering fools.

Scorpio
If you don’t have any cops at your door by the end of the week you should be upset with yourself. The stars favor you so much you could probably get away with murder or another sweet sweet victimless crime.  Now is the time to say what you want, hopefully it’ll encourage others to go into much needed therapy or whatever, who cares anyway.  Also, now is a good time to eat blocks of cheese, cubed grapes, basically anything resembling a parallelogram will do amazing things for you as a decent human being. 

Sagittarius
Hide yourself. The best possible place? In your bed or a nice, stuffy closet under a trove of blankets woven from the finest of goat cheeses.  If you can’t find and buy the blankets- get the goat. If you don’t get the goat, maybe get a statue or a miniature figurine of a goat. This will work but the stars say that it if you’re going to get one of these, it has to be looking at you angrily as if shaming you for not getting a real goat because goats have an unemployment rate of like 78% right now.  And to answer your question, yes, if in a pinch you can use a Capricorn.   Needless to say, your week will be crap-ass and super shitty.
   
Aquarius
Congratulations! You will be offered multiple unethical business dealings this week. Be sure to capitalize on these ventures as only you can.  Be sure to label each and every one of these transactions, agreements or the like as “spiritually rewarding” and a “pinnacle of success.”   This is also a good time to get on the colleges of business ethics speech circuit- each venue pays well and comes with the fine 3,000+ year old bottle of wine “Le Hypocrisy.”

Pisces
You will find hidden meanings in almost every type of sign especially of the “One Way,”  “Junction,” “Yield, “Watch for Children,” and “Dead End” variety.  The insight gained will be invaluable.  Also, avoid bikes.