Horoscopes

Capricorn

You will strive for perfection until your eyes crawl out if your skull and demand a break.  This won’t affect much in your week as you’ve probably already forgotten how to sleep or blink. 

Aquarius

The stars have been waiting to do something weird to you. Try to avoid space stations, eyeballs, and anything to do with spandex.  Also, there's a high chance a couple of bumblebees flying up your nose to furiously entwine themselves for the sole purpose of making a couple hundred bumblebabies.  About midweek, someone you had a crush on and might've fucked a whole bunch of times even though they were married is getting divorced and is looking to fuck again. So, you know, there's that and that doesn't sound too bad.

Pisces

You’ll probably want to stuff your soul in a mailbox and cry yourself to sleep in someone’s dirty closet. Midweek good news will happen to everybody else and you’ll feel like killing yourself.  End-week, comfort will finally come in the shape of a kitten. That kitten will actually be a deranged,  furry hobo named with herpes who will eventually steal your TV.

Aries

wearing a cape and smacking people on the fleshiest part of buttocks may get you the recognition you deserve.  Also, this week is as good a time as any to wear projectile underwear... oddly, a good number of people you meet will be into that sort of thing.

Taurus

With yet another criminal case against you thrown out because of a butt load of cash, super-fine looks, and the judge being worried about missing family members or something, the world is prostrating itself at your feet again. Huzzah!  Try taking advantage of everything- the stars demand it! But don’t be a bum about it; wear some cool shades or something to make everyone want to blow you while you’re doing it. You will also find yourself especially attracted to the destructive power of a Leo and might end the week enjoying a sweet, sensuous million dollar murder/crime spree.

Gemini

Now is the time to try a new profession. Ever thought about being a food mobster? Speaking in terms of a popular meme right now, whatever you choose to do, you could "success very much, lots money, big power- wow.

Cancer

It’d be best to invest heavily in crotchless eye-holes. Pffft, don’t act like you don’t know why.

Leo

This week you will be a crazy, emotional, dramonster.  Mood rings, the chameleons of mood swings, will want to take classes from you and might be the greatest way to save your family, loved ones and the whole of humanity.  Please, for the love of Christ, get the action on tape... you'll have a hard time denying anything but you'll get a damn good reality TV show deal out of the mix.

Virgo

Hahaha, ahhh… no. you couldn’t possibly do any better. Not this week, probably not next week either.  The stars in general are just kinda shaking their heads at you and taking bets as to when you’ll actually get to change your life for the better.  Good news though, only one says “never”

Libra

You will probably spend six weeks trying to forget your sign is short for Library.

   

Scorpio

No amount of help will get rid of that toilet monster you summoned with a deck of Necronomicards until you feed it last year’s tax information and all records of that shitty novel you just finished.

Sagittarius

You may encounter a series of unfortunate events surrounding something called a “leakage buffet.” It may sound gross now but in the end it will be.  The end of the week may turn in your favor as the sexy, all-expense paid live-in nurse you'll need to help you through your ailing woes could arrive early.