horoscopes

Capricorn

Your sordid misfortunes last week may lead you to an abandoned warehouse full of magical ponies. Use this information wisely.

Aquarius

Your coworkers are beginning to suspect that you're boring based on what you eat for lunch, this may lead to social stigmas and eventual castration or damnable witch burning.  For the love of god, pack some tuna.

Pisces

Good news! Your investments in tarnished spoons will soon pay off, that is if you invested in tarnished spoons. You did, didn't you?

Aries

Aim higher, pretending to be a tongue in throat doctor will only get you so far in life.

Taurus

It might be a good idea to take the week off. Journalists are writing articles about your big fat head... they do this out of love but mostly out of pure and unfathomable hatred.

Gemini

You've become too dependent, stop being a stupid wimp and separate yourself from your Siamese twin.

Cancer

Anything anyone tells you this week is really code for "get naked & drop acid"

Leo

The stars suggest that everything's okay.  That mummified body that you found in the basement probably isn't going to stir up any trouble and eat your tasty, tasty, oh-so-very-tasty cat.

Virgo

Don’t go to ghoul, the things you wish to purchase will be very ghostly, and other such puns dealing with the undead things perhaps maybe.

Libra

Something good will happen while a whole bunch of bad things watch from afar vomiting in compact ziploc sandwich bags.

Scorpio

This is a good week to fake your own death and move into someone’s backyard and cook a live a chicken.

Sagittarius

Putting "orgy" on your agenda every day of the week may provoke illicit and bold outcomes.  Stick to your thoughts and if all else fails, think about hiring hobos (they'll do just about anything).