Horoscopes

Capricorn

Now is a good time to rehearse your  naughty turkey sexy pilgrim sexual role-play fantasy. #getitright

Aquarius

You will find yourself around an inordinate amount of buttons that need pushing and levers that need pulling. Nevermind the consensual gasps of pleasure.

Pisces

You may find a new gingerbread husband.

Aries

Good news! There will be copious amounts of insane butt-touching in your future.

Taurus

Your transition from reckless hooligan to cool, reclusive hobo will end in several tragic deaths.

Gemini

Only you can prevent more cowbell.

Cancer

Now is a good a time as any to open a bakery near that newly refurbished ivy league clown college

Leo

More people should be talking about you.  They're obviously stupid and haven't figured it out yet. Purchase a billboard, slap them across the face, put a wet finger in their ear-hole, and let them know. Let them know.

Virgo

Two words for your winter "wow" style fashion: bikini briefs.

Libra

Normal people will bore you with their useless garbage-faces. It may be best to toss a match and back away slowly.

Scorpio

Your bosses still haven't caught on so go ahead and try taking that extra, massive 15 minute dump on the clock.

Sagittarius

The stars say "Your life is a huge, fucking mess" probably because you're not looking at enough cute animal photos.