Horoscopes Week

Capricorn

Early in the week Decepticons will hunt you down till the ends of the earth for your awesome stash of almost cube shaped energy bars. The rest of the week will be sunny with chances of super special double-rainbows.

Aquarius

You've been enjoying sliced bread for way too long, think of something original already.

Pisces

You will be inundated by the phrase "buttery leather" until you start eating people's jackets and fine upholstered car seats.  In short, now may be a good time to get off your current diet.

Aries

Give it up, you've figured them all out already, there are no new uses for rectal thermometers, .

Taurus

You could make a new living selling non-combustible fruit. Just saying, whatever you're doing now is just plain boring.

Gemini

Some time in the future what you did yesterday will mean something to the people of tomorrow, in the meantime don't panic and stop farting all over the place.

Cancer

Yes, good thinking, cutting off your arms and legs is one way to "roll with it".

Leo

Your relationship with beef will increase dramatically. You may want to cancel your appointments and stay at home by yourself this weekend.

Virgo

Your horoscope will be correct next week if you eat a garbage bag of shitty brownies.

Libra

Don't let positive thinking brighten your mood, a lot of wonderfully horrible things will soon reinforce your poopy-feeling "Debbie-Downer" nega-dome.

Scorpio

Auguste Rodin originally had the Thinker wearing one hella sexy sombrero; ponder this well.

Sagittarius

No matter how horrible you are, there are at least 3 celebrities worse than you. Trying to figure out who they are is the first step in becoming a better person.