Monday, August 3, 2015

Preface: Wanting to write for SNL or some paid sketch comedy gig, every week I'll post  sketch ideas to keep the mind going.  Think of these as pitches.  By next week I'll hopefully have completely written one or two. The ideas range from G-rating to R and may not be suitable for SNL audiences but still... this is practice in being productive/proficient. 

I'm thinking the first host for the 41st season will be

Adam Sandler

A few sketch pitches with him:

1: Weekend update: rendition of the song hannukah- why are you here Adam sandler? Because I’m famous and made a lot of money-kah, and I’m not sure if you knew it or not but I just voiced Dracula in my new movie Transylvania 2 with twice as much fun-ikah, and I just signed a sweet deal with Netflixica to make a few movie about whatever I want-ica, and that’s why I’m back-uh, back-uh, back-ica.

2: Everyone does an impression of Adam Sandler… BUT they get challenged to do some new Sandler-isms. Almost guru-like, “A true impressionist can follow along on the spot. Let’s see who amongst you can truly master the Adam Sandler”

3: Grown Ups 72: The gang’s all back, well at least some of them. Together at an old folks home, ready to cause some mischief in their old age.

4: Opening monologue: States how many alumni he’s worked with in the past.  Welcomes the new cast lets them know they could easily be in his next movie, all he asks is undying servitude (brings in Schneider, Spade, and such).

Regular sketch pitches for the week:

Honeymoon in the Gulag: here you will be beaten, waterboarded, and flogged. Later you will appeal to the un security council for help but be brutally denied and humiliated. OR: this gulag is a tourist attraction. Over here they filmed the latest muppet movie.  The gift shop is in the back.

But Shave commercial- (pronounced boot sha-vey). Premiere salon for shaving orificial hair, including butt hair.  With every third purchase you get a complementary penal wax.

Grouptext- four people on a couch texting each other, each person says their text out loud however. Small catty fights break out. Everything resolves in the end.

You Win! / You Lose! (Game Show): one contestant is asked to do some thing and then report back what they found in order to win or lose, example: 

  • put in a money box and grabbing $300. 
    • You win! 
  • But on the back of the dollars there are all of these black dots.
    • Awe so sorry you grabbed the fake money. You suck and are a loser! 
  • But I did find this gold brick while I was in there.
    • Ooooh! You found the super awesome mega prize. You are a winner!  
  • You know for being a pound of gold it sure doesn’t weigh much.  Wait don’t tell me, it’s- 
    • Fool’s gold. You are a loser!  Better luck next time. 
  • Oh what’s this behind my ear, oh ho oh, a crumple up gift certificate to coney island for 5 dollars? That’s awesome! 
    • Congratulations Just when you thought you sucked at luck, you won! You are a winner!  
  • Well I didn’t win anything big but I’m glad I won something. This sure was fun. (tries to get out of the money box). Um. I think I’m having trouble getting out. And I think, hey, um, I think I’m having trouble breathing.  
    • It looks like you stepped in the money box with a limited supply of oxygen.  
  • Wait what? 
    • Looks like you really do lose! (some variation of this idea)
Crime solvers– TV show premiere. One rookie detective decides to recruit three people obsessed with CSI and Law and Order shows. Sure they’re inexperienced, sure they’re not doctors, but they’ve watched over 40 seasons of CSI and law and order and they mean business. I think this is similar to episode 42.


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