Sketches

Preface: Wanting to write for SNL or some paid sketch comedy gig, every week I'll post 5-10 sketch ideas to keep the mind going.  Think of these as pitches.  By next week I'll hopefully have completely written one or two. The ideas range from G-rating to R and may not be suitable for SNL audiences but still... this is practice in being productive/proficient. 

Sketches this week:

1: Office "writer"

• Johnwalt Bukowskiberg! I need that memo in five minutes!(man running through fifteen cigarettes and forty bottles of booze)  You can't rush genius, chief!  (blah blah blah- finally turns in paper, it's a paragraph long) - it's it's brilliant Walt, you did it again! (alt version- I can't wait to put this on craigslist)

2: Ice cream parlor in a noir leather shop- awkwardness ensues

3: Pursuing the ultimate douchebag look- 

• Chicks, right? sometimes they just won't leave you alone. you're so damn good looking, What can you do bro? Well I'll tell you, give them one of them good old fashioned douchebage looks. For some people the douchebag look comes naturally, others like Milton here have to work at it. let's test out his look. Ladies, what do you think of this fine, sexy man? Oooh. Damnit! They love me! urg!  Try again man, but this time try grabbing your nuts, nodding your head, and grinning like idiot while saying hello. "Get away from us, douchebag!" It worked! "Congratulations my boy, you're now a man. You can pick up a fresh new pair of balls at the door"

4: Guard duty in a Hobbit movie

• Two guys (boss and trainer) at a booth - must check orc's passports, make sure no illegal contraband is being shifted around, ask what anything crossing is going to go do/why they're visiting.

5:  Family Christmas Ornament Time
 

Host: Martin Freeman

Sketches for the host!  (see also my last post on who should be a host. #7)

• Rap Song: "I'm a hobbit, Got it?"
• played them all like a chump, walked around playin' dumb,
  but that's right I'm the hobbit, I'm the only one,
  not even twelve dwarves and a magician
  could do what I do,
  that's right, I'm the hobbit, got it;
  turning trolls into stone, spiders into soup
  etc..

• The Watson Group
•  highly distinguished organization of Watsons whose soul purpose is to make Sherlock Holmes look good while still being absolutely superior in just about every way. Watson 4, how's that Mandarin coming along? (mandarin speak) - excellent. Watson 6 and 9 where are you going? Oh, nevermind. Watson 3, where's your list of witty comebacks? "That's what your mom said? Oh really, this isn't the National Lampoon." Moving on this is... Watson 7 tries punching Watson 8- not quite my dear boy. 
• bonus points for fitting in some version of: no, but you can Gargle my pan galactic blaster, good day sir!

• hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy of the guardians. (obviously)

• Monologue contribution: walks on with a towel.
  

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