This week's comedy sketches

Ronda Roussey

A few sketch pitches with her:

Graverobbing- a why are you here scenario? Cast is sprinkled about a cemetery. Main character is a cop, making sure no one does any "weird stuff" but normal hijinx is "fine by me"

Re-enactment of Andy Kaufman fighting bout.

Regular sketch pitches for the week

Pizza makers- a story of a person who wanted certain topping on certain slices, they didn’t think they could make it but at the end they put their minds to it

Failed TV shows: White Cop Black People  (who thought that would be a good idea the LAPD?)

Ghost Mom- When Julie's horribly naggy mom died a horribly gruesome death, she thought her problems were over. Boy was she wrong. Now Julie's mom goes everywhere she goes in "Ghost Mom"

Looking busy - (a boss test okay, everyone looks busy)

Dance Club Boothwarmers- more of a concept, holding a booth at a club takes serious skill and concentration.  Maybe it's a commercial. 

 

Last week's sketch ideas 

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Comedy Sketches for the Week

Adam Driver

A few sketch pitches with him:

1: Kylo Ren in ApprenticeFinder.com Kylo decides he needs an apprentice.  Either this is one of those startup intro videos where Kylo is the case study or Kylo is actively going on ApprenticeFinder.com and clicking on different profiles.

2: Monologue: Lena Dunham comes out first to introduce her BFF, soaking up airtime. Adam asks what she’s doing. “This is for me, this is my turn, I’m Kylo Ren.” Or some version, where he comes out in the gear, uses the force to simply push her aside.  Then says how greatful he is to be there

3: Curio Shop Counter Salesperson: Suavely selling things that look like they came from a garage sale, giving them historical/mythological importance. Selling things is an art. You must find what they want, who they are, settle desires.

4: Imogen Heap - Listening Chairs parody video: This would just be something fun and weird to do, grabbing stuff in your apartment and singing about it happily/introspectively.

5: I want to be an astronaut (rap song): complete hyperbole either about being safe and able to do rad things after seeing the earth explode or coming back down to earth sharing secrets of the unknown.

Regular sketch pitches for the week:

North Korea: H bomb didn't really happen... Maybe a panelist conversation. What it could have been.

President of Universities Conference: "...and then the students asked if I cared" (everyone laughs). Anyway, how much did you raise tuition this yet?

Girl's Talk: Passive aggressive translator- "I like that shirt"

Bro Hunters: Two women on a mission to hunt down bros.  Go to a party, supposed "den of bros".  

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2016 Goals

My goals are over-ambitious. Can I become a level 17 rock climbing gladiator / computer wizard dude with a pilot’s license? Absolutely. All of my goals are achievable but I give myself excuses or let things get in the way.  Ever heard of these: job, family, child, eating and sleeping? …ridiculous.  The list continues with less responsibility driven things such as videogames and drinking.  I like having a laundry list because it reminds me of the truth. Life is a Hydra. Cut one head off and more will emerge.  Life is perpetual. 

How to manage? Perhaps baby lists and baby steps (every time I see the phrase “baby steps” I imagine Bill Murray saying it from the movie What About Bob?) Ah, these are wonderful useful tools to cut down on the endlessness or the infinite into manageable slabs of action, time, and peace. Really I just wrote slabs because I like the image of all of these ideas being displayed like chunks of meat or something at a shop, all the pieces varying in price based on any number of things.  Perhaps all boiling down to economics: price and value. What do we afford and what do we indebt ourselves to? Another thought for a different day.  To each their own.  Today is about goals, these are mine for this year:


Writing:

1.     Write another movie script
2.     Write a second-draft of my first movie script
3.     Submit movie scripts to agent / contests
4.     Have a weekly “Life” post on my blog
5.     Have a weekly “Comedians” post on my blog
6.     Have a weekly “Sketches” post on my blog
7.     Write a comedy sketch a week
8.     Produce / film comedy sketches once a month
9.     Write / draw a semi regular comic strip loosely based on my life
10.     Write a chapbook of poems
11.     Submit poetry for publication
12.     Write and perform standup comedy once or twice a month
13.     Get paid to perform Standup
14.     Get accepted at a comedy festival (particularly one in North Carolina)
15.     Possibly write a children’s book
16.     Podcast once or twice a month

Life:

1.     Connect with thinkers / writers / doers
2.     Meet new people on a constant basis
3.     Applaud the works of others
4.     Help others achieve their dreams
5.     Read more / read better
6.     This is a “me” year, a year of internal and external discovery, this can also be described as a year of questions or a year of curiosity
7.     Spend more time with my daughter- talking, and exploring the world
8.     Be able to actually afford an all-inclusive resort
9.     Go to an all-inclusive resort
10.     Take a road trip somewhere
11.     Pay off debts or pay off some debts
12.     Do some charity work, possibly with soup kitchens or food gatherers or such…

Stay Tuned... updates and new world's / reflections /opportunities abounds!

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Sketch Ideas

Preface: Wanting to write for SNL or some paid sketch comedy gig, every week I'll post  sketch ideas to keep the mind going.  Think of these as pitches.  By next week I'll hopefully have completely written one or two. The ideas range from G-rating to R and may not be suitable for SNL audiences but still... this is practice in being productive/proficient. 

I'm thinking the first host for the 41st season will be

Adam Sandler

A few sketch pitches with him:

1: Weekend update: rendition of the song hannukah- why are you here Adam sandler? Because I’m famous and made a lot of money-kah, and I’m not sure if you knew it or not but I just voiced Dracula in my new movie Transylvania 2 with twice as much fun-ikah, and I just signed a sweet deal with Netflixica to make a few movie about whatever I want-ica, and that’s why I’m back-uh, back-uh, back-ica.

2: Everyone does an impression of Adam Sandler… BUT they get challenged to do some new Sandler-isms. Almost guru-like, “A true impressionist can follow along on the spot. Let’s see who amongst you can truly master the Adam Sandler”

3: Grown Ups 72: The gang’s all back, well at least some of them. Together at an old folks home, ready to cause some mischief in their old age.

4: Opening monologue: States how many alumni he’s worked with in the past.  Welcomes the new cast lets them know they could easily be in his next movie, all he asks is undying servitude (brings in Schneider, Spade, and such).

Regular sketch pitches for the week:

Honeymoon in the Gulag: here you will be beaten, waterboarded, and flogged. Later you will appeal to the un security council for help but be brutally denied and humiliated. OR: this gulag is a tourist attraction. Over here they filmed the latest muppet movie.  The gift shop is in the back.

But Shave commercial- (pronounced boot sha-vey). Premiere salon for shaving orificial hair, including butt hair.  With every third purchase you get a complementary penal wax.

Grouptext- four people on a couch texting each other, each person says their text out loud however. Small catty fights break out. Everything resolves in the end.

You Win! / You Lose! (Game Show): one contestant is asked to do some thing and then report back what they found in order to win or lose, example: 

• put in a money box and grabbing $300. 
• You win! 
• But on the back of the dollars there are all of these black dots.
• Awe so sorry you grabbed the fake money. You suck and are a loser! 
• But I did find this gold brick while I was in there.
• Ooooh! You found the super awesome mega prize. You are a winner!  
• You know for being a pound of gold it sure doesn’t weigh much.  Wait don’t tell me, it’s- 
• Fool’s gold. You are a loser!  Better luck next time. 
• Oh what’s this behind my ear, oh ho oh, a crumple up gift certificate to coney island for 5 dollars? That’s awesome! 
• Congratulations Just when you thought you sucked at luck, you won! You are a winner!  
• Well I didn’t win anything big but I’m glad I won something. This sure was fun. (tries to get out of the money box). Um. I think I’m having trouble getting out. And I think, hey, um, I think I’m having trouble breathing.  
• It looks like you stepped in the money box with a limited supply of oxygen.  
• Wait what? 
• Looks like you really do lose! (some variation of this idea)

Crime solvers– TV show premiere. One rookie detective decides to recruit three people obsessed with CSI and Law and Order shows. Sure they’re inexperienced, sure they’re not doctors, but they’ve watched over 40 seasons of CSI and law and order and they mean business. I think this is similar to episode 42.

 

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Standup 1 + 2

I’m still in the beginning phase of standup comedy but that doesn’t stop me from doing things people suggest waiting for, such as hosting an open mic on public access.  About once a month or so I pull in local comedians to do however many minutes. Most are beginners like me. I encourage audience members to come up and tell a joke or two because, why the (insert a noun like "balloons") not. I try to do about ten or fifteen minutes worth of new material each time. 

I want to put out as much content as possible, get some feedback, fine tune it later.  A number of the comedians come back to do the next show and the next and I like this feel.  If people were to watch consecutively, hopefully they would see the natural growth and development.    

People often ask me, is it hard producing, directing, hosting, and all of that?  And I say yes.  It would be nice to be able to be one of those people that just fills in a blank. “But of course, I’ll take that spot- you do the rest” But, whatever.  Some things I do or produce are limited in such regards. If I had X and X things would definitely look a lot closer to a B or B+ (I’m pretty sure). 

It’s cool to work with a number of people, reaffirm them that heck yes- you are talented and please come back. OR even, hell yeah, you bombed but this is a learning process, please get back up there.

With this in mind, here are two very early standup videos of mine:

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Sketch Ideas

Preface: Wanting to write for SNL or some paid sketch comedy gig, every week I'll post  sketch ideas to keep the mind going.  Think of these as pitches.  By next week I'll hopefully have completely written one or two. The ideas range from G-rating to R and may not be suitable for SNL audiences but still... this is practice in being productive/proficient. 

Sketches this week:

1: The Quiet People. (A Game show)

• We rounded up these five quiet people from around the neighborhood. Now it's your turn to tell us what kind of quiet person they are. 

2: Old Man Jim 

• Successful Vlogger Old Man Jim shares more things he'd shake a stick at.

3: Black Twitter / Black Facebook (etc.

• Sketch or news character monologue
• See Huff Post Voices.
• What White People Don't know about and how they're reacting to not knowing what they now know.

Possible Sketch/Monologue for: Chris Hemsworth

1. Hair Accessories (Commercial)

• Are you bored with your current hairstyle? Maybe you've been asking yourself the wrong question.  What can I do with my hair? No. What can you do to accentuate your hair? I'm talking about accessories.  Have you ever thought about putting a ninja turtle in your hair? With these miniature TMNT figures in her hair, she gets all of the looks. 

• Some of you might think: gummy bears and peanut butter, won't that ruin my hair? not Chris Hemworth's specialized gummy bear and peanut butter hair blend.

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Joke Horoscopes

Capricorn

There are many obstacles in your path, luckily those sausage demons you recently encountered aren't one of them, there like, a totally different thing.

Aquarius

It might be faster to burn you sweater-vest collection, fake your death, reinvent yourself, get a full time job and buy a whole new set than trying to organize that pile of garbage.

Pisces

People aren't weirded out that you've made a profession out of petting their pets, it's that you dig up their carcasses first.

Aries

If you describe your stool as milk-like and slurpy you're probably going to be okay once somebody calls somebody who calls somebody to take you away.

Taurus

Most people on house arrest don't usually try to join the neighborhood watch but you

Gemini

Yes, your new life direction should be: super-awesome nymphomaniac / spiritual healer doctor person.

Cancer

Time Travelling to the old west to get your car washed in a trail of tears is culturally insensitive, but you should probably do it anyway.

Leo

You will find immense pleasure in stepping in people's way and crushing their dreams... all while sipping some beverage through a straw like that douchey character on that new TV show.

Virgo

Now is the time to start artificially inseminating your friends; you know, because they asked you to to prove a point or something. 

Libra

You will have many, many sweaty dreams.

Scorpio

You are one step closer to creating a death ray or death laser or death thing that makes people disintegrate. Really, this week should be spent finding the right, super-wicked name for the thing.

Sagittarius

Now is a good time to weed out old friends and shitty pets, your waste service management team will throw away anything you put in a garbage bag this week. 

(I sincerely apologize for the Cancer horoscope)

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